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I saw this bartender at a local
bar one night that had a really
striking appearance. His hair
was long, down to his nipples, it
was dark brown, almost black,
and on the other side it was
dyed blond, made into a braid.
His face was kind of feminine
looking, or maybe he looked
more like a young boy even
though he clearly was older. He
was beautiful. I ordered a beer
from him and started a tab. He
was friendly and we talked for a
little about something that I
can’t remember, and later on
when I went to pay for the beer
he said my last name, Theselius,
before I got the chance to and
gave me a wink. I mean, I think
we were flirting, but I can never
be too sure.
That is the most I’ve ever
interacted with him.
After that night I didn’t really
think much about it, except that
he was cute. I have these ideas
that I can’t be with anyone who
is too cool or who knows that
they are good looking, so I kind
of ruled out any possibility of
anything ever happening with
him right away.
Then somehow, I’m not sure
how, I started to grow this
fascination for him. I think it
had to do with that I felt that I
couldn’t talk to him. He made
me too nervous. The whole
situation made me way too
uncomfortable. Just the thought
of it, of trying to hit on this
bartender that clearly gets hit
on a lot and having my friends
observe me, who all know that I
am a total weirdo when it comes
to those kind of interactions,
was just too much.
But I was so intrigued by the
way he looked and I wanted to
turn that situation, of not being
able to even attempt to talk to
him, into something. So I came
up with this idea that I would
start to draw him.
I started going to the bar in
order to observe him so that I
later on could draw him from
memory. It’s really hard to draw
a persons face from memory, it
starts to fade really quickly, or
at least that is my experience. So
I would have to go back and
observe him again in order to
remember. I had to figure out
his schedule; first he worked
two days a week but now I think
its only once, so I often have to
wait a week before I can see him
again. It’s frustrating because
the drawings never come out
right and even when I make
little sketches of him in the bar I
can’t seem to be able to catch
him. He looks one way from one
angle and totally different from
another. I guess that is the case
with everyone if you start to
really look at him or her.
I’m also super paranoid every
time I go there that he will find
out what I’m doing. I think my
friends think that I secretly
really want to talk to him, even
though I’ve explained to them
that he is just an art project to
me now and that getting to
know him would ruin my
fantasy of him, I’m still worried
that one of them at some point
is going to tell him. Or that
someone else, a total stranger, is
going to see that I am drawing
him and ask me about it and
somehow it will get around to
him. Or even worse, that he at
some point when I’m ordering a
beer will ask me what I’ve been
up to and I wont be able to lie
and I’ll reveal myself in some
really embarrassing way.
I feel kind of creepy drawing or
observing him sometimes. I
once heard him say that he has a
girlfriend and then I started
thinking about how she would
react or feel if she knew. And
how he would react. It’s hard to
tell.